I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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