You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If lil wayne asked you to lick him like a lollipop I feel that you would willingly oblige.
Unfortunately I think I would lick most anyone's lollipop.
It's your form of community service; servicing the greater SDSU area.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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