I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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