i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Come on in and take your pants off
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