You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
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