Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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