she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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