I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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