apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
3pm strippers are depressing
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
