i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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