I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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