I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
