Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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