"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
