I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
