soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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