My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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