last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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