We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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