Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
