Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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