so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
