I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
