Midget sex pt 2 tonight
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
