have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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