and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
