were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
