No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
