does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
