listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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