i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
