1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
