i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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