Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize