Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
