Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
