I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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