I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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