Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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