before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
