He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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