it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
