At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
