You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
