my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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