I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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