I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
