I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
