i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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