I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
