I will die if light touches me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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