Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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