please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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