im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
