You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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