My liver just broke up with me...
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
