How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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