i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
